


A Decision Made

by lha



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, F/M, Introspection, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, S1:E6 - Lethe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-23 06:10:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12500604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lha/pseuds/lha
Summary: Set at the end of Episode 6 - LetheHe had never been good at asking for help but here was Katrina, forcing the issue and somewhere deep down inside, he was immeasurably grateful.





	A Decision Made

Once Katrina had left on her mission, Gabriel had retreated to his quarters and found himself staring out of the viewport. His eyes were blind to the stars though, his thoughts entirely consumed by what it was she had said. She was right; he knew deep down that there was so much wrong, so much broken in him that there was no way he should be in command. That didn’t make it easy to admit however. He had never been good at asking for help but here was Katrina, forcing the issue and somewhere deep down inside, he was immeasurably grateful. The fact that she was away on this mission was giving him breathing room. He didn’t think that it would be successful any more than Katrina did, but they had to try and Gabriel wasn’t sorry that he’d had a chance gird himself for what was going to happen now.

He couldn’t have said how long had passed when his door-chime sounded, startling him from his introspection with an adrenaline jolt. The phaser was in his hand and he was plastered to the internal bulkhead next to the door ready to open it and catch whoever was on the other side by surprise before he’d even thought it through. The chime sounded again and he forcefully shook some of the tension out of his frame. Tucking the pistol into the back of his trousers he stepped into the doorway and signaled for it to open. 

“It was a trap sir, the Klingons have taken the admiral. Their ships are en route to enemy space,” Saru said, nervous energy pouring off of him. “Shall I…?” 

Lorca paused, he knew what his instinct was, would normally be. He wanted to rush in there and get on with a rescue, but that was exactly the kind of behaviour that Kat had called him out on. 

“Notify Starfleet Command. Ask for orders.” It was quite clear that this wasn’t what his SIC had expected. “Is there a problem?”

“No, sir,” Saru replied abruptly, then continued, “Uh, just in the past we have engaged in _alternative _thinking on these matters.”__

__“What if we go after her and it's another trap, Mr. Saru? Did you consider that? Starfleet can't afford to lose the Discovery. She's bigger than all of us.” Wasn’t that what Katrina had been trying to get him to see? “If so ordered, we will try and rescue the admiral, but not without authorization.” He owed her this much, to make the sensible, rational choice._ _

______“I will hail Starfleet now, sir,” the Kelpian said, bowing his head and backing away almost subserviently._ _ ____

__

__

__The door closed, and Gabriel drifted back towards the window. Kat had wanted him to behave _normally _, to follow protocol but now… now she was in danger. Her life was threatened and he knew that the longer they delayed the greater the risk that they wouldn’t be in time, that Katrina would be… that it would be too late. It was the right decision in so many ways, but… if Katrina didn’t return, if she didn’t… then what happened next? If she didn’t come back, then that horrible soul wrenching conversation he’d been dreading as much as he’d been anticipating wouldn’t happen. No one would take his ship away, that was what would happen. A fire, somewhere deep within him kindled at that thought.___ _

____Maybe, he could take this as a warning. If he behaved the way that Katrina wanted him to, if he reigned it in, got better control of himself. Maybe that way he could stay in control of Discovery, help them win the war. They had to win, and he couldn’t just walk away and let them fight on without him, couldn’t leave them to it while he…. whatever it was that awaited him when he stepped down. Or maybe, if they went after her, rescued her he could change her mind._ _ _ _

____Gabriel didn’t watch the stars as the hours passed but instead, wrangled and wrestled with his thoughts. He knew he wasn’t right, that he wasn’t well; that he shouldn’t be in a position of authority, certainly shouldn’t be in that centre chair but if Katrina wasn’t there… he couldn’t do this on his own. She was going to force his hand. She had taken the choice from his grasp and now, with her gone, it was… more difficult. Minutes, hours or days later, he found himself analysing the tactics of the Klingons latest move and realised that his internal conflict had been suppressed, that he had managed to push aside the emotional turmoil only to focus on something determinedly. It was a strategy that had served him well in the past, more so in the months since the destruction of the Buran than ever. But now it stopped him short, the tsunami of _wrong, broken, wrong _flooding in over his defences. How could he trust the decisions he was making, the judgement he was using, the reasoning he applied? Katrina had said it, he was dangerous and not to be trusted.___ _ _ _

______All through the night, such as it was, he battled his demons. He fought back the urge time and again, to simply take the advantage of circumstance and carry on as he always had, or to charge in and once more play the hero with the hope it would pay off. It was not a clean fight and it did not go well but through it all Gabriel stood and did not watch the stars. Then, like a splash of cold water he realised what it was he had to do. He paused, waiting for the counter attack, the contradictory argument but it didn’t come. He waited for several minutes but still, every wave was gently batted away, never coming close to breaching his defences. He had reached a decision, however temporary and with it came a strange sort of numb peace._ _ _ _ _ _

______Storing his phaser securely, he showered, dressed in a fresh uniform and stood resolutely in front of the mirror. He did not meet his own eyes but instead, focussed solely on making sure he was presentable. That done, he turned crisply and headed straight out of the door. He knew that if he was doing this he needed to do it now, before he lost his hard won conviction that this was the right course. He could almost feel Katrina at his back now as he walked purposefully down the corridors, nodding automatically when anyone greeted him, focussing solely on putting one step in front of another. He didn’t dare think, not any more._ _ _ _ _ _

______Approaching sickbay he did not pause before pressing the panel to release the door and barely even noticed when the overbright light spilled out. It took a moment for his vision to clear though, so that he could see who was there._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Captain?” Doctor T’Pel asked. Well, he supposed it really ought to be the CMO he spoke with even if it would not make this conversation any easier._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Doctor,” he began, his voice seeming strangely dissociated, “could we speak in your office?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Naturally Captain,” she agreed, turning to lead the way. Just as he had managed to re-engage his legs to follow however, a familiar siren sounded and the comm came to life._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Red Alert. Captain to the bridge. All hands to battlestations.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I trust this matter will wait Captain?” the Doctor asked as Gabriel’s blood ran cold. His awkward nod seemed to suffice and she turned away to begin preparations, leaving him standing frozen in inaction. He knew he had lost when he turned and walked out without another word._ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, not sure if I've captured the tumult I was aiming for but hopefully you'll get the idea.
> 
> I always love to hear you thoughts here or over on twitter - @LHA_again
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
